It’s pretty likely that the blog format upsets me on some subconscious level, because literally every single time I’ve ever sat down to type anything into this box, I’ve instantly started to tell myself why everything that I was planning on writing about is a horrible idea that doesn’t deserve to be on the internet. This is probably accurate. I feel like the only time I’ve really written anything of consequence here has been the odd occasion on which I don’t just talk about what random crap I’m doing that day. But the great part is that nobody ever reads this, so you’ll probably never see that I wrote this. Good for you, keep up the good work.
The fact that this has always been the case with me writing paragraphs on the internet is clearly a manifestation of the same anxiety that I get over making anything creative. Just as it’s pretty impossible for me to be happy with anything that I write here, it’s also rare that I ever look back at something that I conceived of and created and say “yeah that was a good job, E-Dogg.” (I’m always E-Dogg in my internal monologue)*. Also when starting projects, I’ve been in a phase for a few weeks now where I can’t even think of new ideas for anything. I start telling myself my ideas are bad before they’re at all fully formed. Clearly somehow this needs to stop.
I have a huge urge to make a new video game, but being in this mindset is obviously not conducive to getting anything like that done. I realize that the only way to really become good at anything is to do it a lot, making games included.
Fragmented thinking
I had an awful awful semester this past fall – I had an awesome internship, and that’s about where the good parts about the last 5 months end. I took 18 credits, had that internship for 20 hours per week, and another part-time job. Also CALCULUS and a bunch of other disgusting classes. Huge effect on my mental state. Like I said, awful. Not fun. Bad. You know what I’m saying/sayin’.
The James Joyce of WordPress
So the idea starting right now is to make my life more fun in all ways possible. It is really really easy to fall into the trap of literally complete laziness when you’re home with your parents for two weeks, and that’s what appears to have happened. I learned Objective-C over the break and played around with Cocos2D/Box2d a little bit, but not enough. I find myself now wishing I’d done more. I remember a time (this time last year) when I had an awesome roommate who was very good at keeping me positive and de-stressed. I learned a bunch of things from him, and now is obviously the time to use those things. Being lazy actually makes one more depressed, which is easy to forget sometimes. So writing here with the knowledge that people don’t read it is a great start, because I remember it being kind of therapeutic; and if you *are* actually reading this, lolololololol.
Also reading the Tao again, maybe meditating, skateboarding more, and WHOA maybe journaling or something. I have more free time than I realize, I think.
I say this now, and in four weeks I’ll be cryeing that I can’t get a break. Anyway whatever. I applied for HackNY Fellows. That would be SO COOL. It says something about me that I still feel like a total derp writing this, and that my use of the word “derp” just now will make me cringe when I read this in a month. I must sound so crazy. I probably do. But whatever, dudes and ladies. I kind of am.
*I apparently also have a compulsion to write/say things that I know I’ll look back at later in disgust
