Dear Tropicana,
Let me begin by telling you that I am not writing you for any reason other than to explain my love of your juices as fully as possible. I’ve been playing with the idea of telling the creators of my favorite things how much I appreciate their work, and I feel that your orange juice is too important a part of my life not to deserve a written congratulation and thanks.
Topicana Pure Premium no pulp orange juice has been a staple in my incredibly well-balanced diet for years now, not only at the breakfast table, but at the lunch, dinner, dessert, second breakfast, elevensies, and snack tables as well. I’m not claiming by any means that I drink nothing but Pure Premium; I’ve been known to enjoy the occasional iced tea, the incidental root beer, and the rogue Snapple from time to time. Tasty and wholesome as these beverages may be, their prevalence in my diet is simply dwarfed by the quantity of Tropicana that I drink. I typically go through a gallon in four to five days by myself, a time which is often shortened (to my chagrin) by my sip-stealing college roommates. To further elucidate my love, nay, obsession with your juice, I provide this helpful graphical aid:
As this graph clearly indicates, my typical daily intake of vitamin C is probably dangerously high (if such a thing is possible – I wouldn’t be surprised). In my college dorm environment, where supplies and money run scarce, I am often territorial with regard to my orange juice. I see Pure Premium as a life force, so when I witness my roommate wantonly sloshing the juice I (which I paid for) out of his glass and onto the floor, it is sometimes difficult for me to contain my frustration. To see another person throwing away the very source of my power as if it was nothing can be trying. To safeguard myself against future travesties of a similar nature, I plan to effect the stockpiling of as many gallons of your fine juice as I can in a secret location. I know that some of the meals I mentioned earlier aren’t actual meals, but I really do drink a crazy amount of Tropicana. I once got some kind of stomach ulcer thing from drinking too much at once (because it’s very acidic, did you know that?); I’m not ashamed, though. I wear my obsession with pride.
I’ve gotten to the point in my orange juice drinking career that I can taste the differences between the various popular brands. Eating breakfast at restaurants is typically a slightly disappointing experience, as I can often tell that they use a second-string brand of orange juice; tasting Simply Orange when I wake up just doesn’t cut it for me. It doesn’t have enough body. Florida’s Natural is pretty good, so good that the first time I tasted it, I considered the possibility that I could have found my new favorite juice. The one test that Florida’s Natural could not pass, though, was the test of time, as I quickly grew bored with its softer, fuller flavor. I drink Pure Premium above all others for several reasons:
- The kick
- The body
- It tastes like an orange exploded in my mouth
The problem with the other brands I mentioned is that they can’t claim all of those things. Florida’s Natural has a great richness, and Simply Orange does in fact taste like a real orange. But Tropicana stands alone at the pinnacle of juicing with all three of these traits. Thus, when I taste that my breakfast restaurant has poured me a glass of Pure Premium, I often thank the waiter on behalf of my taste buds. This is, unfortunately, a bit rare, but I look forward to it all the more as a result. My typical (i.e. every single day) breakfast consists of nothing more than a bagel with cream cheese and a towering chalice of Tropicana Pure Premium, because that’s all I need to start my day. I often incorporate the towering chalice into other meals as well.
In summation, I’d like to thank your company for creating this juice without which, I firmly believe, the quality of my life would be severely diminished. Your orange juice brings tears of joy to my eyes. Thank you, and please never stop making this mind-blowingly fantastic juice. I’ll cry if you do.
With much sincerity,
Emmett Butler
