First of all, the last orange juice I bought only lasted two days. This is why I need to start stockpiling. Otherwise, I’ll buy a gallon on Sunday and it’ll be depleted by Tuesday morning. I’m going to dig myself a subterranean tunnel network beneath Coral Towers, put in a secret dumwaiter entrance behind the bathroom mirror, and connect the far end to the floor under the Food Emporium juice section. I’ll be able to use the tunnel when nobody’s around and just walk underground to the store, steal all the orange juice I want, store it midway through the tunnels, and then slip back up through the bathroom mirror without anyone noticing. Another plus is that I won’t have to spend any money to do this (apart from the initial capital investment that’ I’ll need for the actual building of the tunnel system. Or I could just pull a Shawshank Redemption and do it myself with a spoon. That way, it’ll be made with love, not with the money, sweat, and tears of greedy corporations.) This is a pretty good plan…it’s totally going to work. There’s no way anybody’s going to have a problem with me digging a tunnel network with a spoon through the New York sewers and two buildings, or with me not going to classes for months as I work on its completion. By the time it’s done, I probably won’t even live in the same building anymore.
This will not stop me – it’s like when the Chinese were building the Great Wall of China: the construction took so long that it spanned several generations, and noone who was alive when it was started was also alive when it was completed. That’s why the dynasty system was useful – they could have one common goal that spanned numerous lifetimes. They did it in sections as a morale boost to the foremen – once they were tired and soul-sucked from working on a section of wall for 5 years, they could go back home and pass by all these other sections of wall being completed, seeing the momentous progress their great civilization was making (at least this is what Kafka tells me). The time it would take me to dig my tunnel is probably comparable to the time it took several thousand Chinese to build a big wall, so I may need to get in touch with the residents of 9050 next year and get this dynasty started. It may take some convincing – I could resort to burning their women and raping their churches. Be that as it may…I will have my orange juice.
Let it be known that I’m awesome at Diddy Kong Racing for N64, as I beat the walrus, the octopus, and the dragon all in one sitting, with two other guys playing. I was the only one to actually finish any of the bosses, although my friends both fought valiantly. The octopus is such a jerkface…there were so many different times when I was within feet – nay, inches of the finish line and he shot a bubble in front of him and entrapped me in the nick of time. What a goofus.